My cousin recently gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. When I first found out she was pregnant I was so excited for her, because Karmyn is her first child. I could not wait for her to experience the love, joy and excitement of entering motherhood. As I walked into the hospital room and saw her, face flushed, exhausted but completely doting on her newborn baby girl, my heart was so full that I had tears in my eyes. On the way back home that evening, I began to think about my first experiences as a "green" mom. It seems so long ago to me now, but it was only 2 and a half years ago. Wow, how much my life has changed since then.
Before I became a Mom, I lived my life completely for myself. I am not proud of the person that I was. Selfish, stubborn, sometimes downright mean. I didn't appreciate my family the way I should have, I took things for granted, I didn't think anything about my future. I was just focused on the here and now. What party was I going to go to, what was I going to have to do at work that day? How miniscule my existence seems in comparison to now. I had no direction, no purpose. Just being.
When I found out I was pregnant with Greyson, everything changed. First I felt fear, then complete awe. How could I be growing something so extraordinary in my body? I never even felt the need to think of having children. I wasn't exactly "mom" material. Then I heard those first tiny cries and saw those soft blonde tufts of hair and I knew he was completely mine. I was so proud, so in love and so completely clueless on how to care for this tiny person that I had created. The first time I had ever held a baby was when the nurse swaddled him and placed him in my arms. I cried.
The first few months were a whirlwind of diaper changes, spit up and cuddles. I learned to live on two hours of sleep, and waking up every hour on the hour to check and make sure my tiny love was still breathing (paranoia hits hard when you become a mom). I could cook a full meal with a baby on my hip, do laundry with him strapped in a swing and mix bottles in my sleep. Routine, routine routine.
I learned to enjoy simple things. Early mornings on the porch swing, baby swaddled and listening to the birds. Toothless smiles and laughs when Mickey Mouse was on. Re-watching classic Disney and loving it because HE loved it. Being more excited to dress up another human instead of yourself. Quiet time during naps, when you can sip hot coffee in silence. All these things I would have never dreamed would give me such happiness.
Somewhere between 21 and 22 I slipped deeply into the next stage of my life that would completely define who I am and what my purpose here is. Something I never wanted became the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Motherhood changed me. It changed me in ways that I didn't even know were possible. I am more kind, more thoughtful, more loving. My days are more meaningful and I am charged with the task of raising two tiny gentleman that are my entire world.
Now I am a mother of two, and River's birth was no different from Greyson's, I still felt that same awe, still felt that same excitement. I became a new Mother all over again. When I saw him for the first time, I couldn't believe that God had chosen to give me something so beautiful and perfect. I am still sure that I never did anything to be so deserving. I have two perfect sons. Sometimes I can't even believe it is all real.
I still have my days when I am tired, frustrated, overwhelmed. I snap at my oldest, I cry when my baby is teething, I beg my mom to just come and watch them for an hour so I can take a nap. Motherhood is hard. It is challenging, but it is THE most important thing I will ever do in my life.
I smile and watch them as they grow, and I realize that I am growing up right along beside them. They never stop teaching me things, and never cease to amaze me. When Greyson takes my hand and tells me he loves me, I know that all is right in the world, or at least in my world. When they get old enough I will have to remember to thank them for saving me and for teaching me what really matters in life.
I love you, my boys. -Mom
Labels: Babies, Love, mom life, relationships
