Thirsty Thursday or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love "The Mom"

  Do any of you ever wonder where time has gone? I do. Even more so about what has caused me to become who I am. I mean, how can you dictate who you want to be, unless you have some sort of idea of how you got here? I don't mean to dive right into the philosophical deep end. I promise the reading gets lighter.

     I woke up this morning, and I was a wife and a mother of two children. I obviously know how those things happened, but when did I become so absorbed in this lifestyle? Three years ago I was worried about finding the right shoes. Now, I get excited over the right sippy cup. There are a lot of things that are different now, but the topic today is "going out." I don't do it anymore. blog over.... That's not entirely true. Kyle and I find a babysitter every now and then, and we get a little rare time to ourselves. We enjoy it tremendously, but that doesn't exactly encompass "going out" like many twenty-somethings understand the word.

     Two days ago, I did the impossible. I had a night out with my best friend, without my husband or my two kids. I have not gone anywhere, (except for the grocery store or to run errands)  without them for almost three years. I have considered doing it numerous times, going out with friends, having a "girls night", but only to cancel plans last minute, or come up with an excuse not to go. This is mostly because I have a hard time leaving them. We are all so attached at the hip, that even a few hours without them has me in a frenzy, wondering if they have forgotten about me. I am a crazy person, I know. I am with my babies all day, every second of the day, and I am anchored to them. They NEED me. They wonder where I am, if I am not there. Heck, they wonder where I am when I go to the bathroom. It is unfathomable for me to leave them for a few hours. Don't get me wrong, we take them and let them stay at their grandparents homes, but for them, that is the equivalent of a vacation. They get everything they want, whenever they want it, and they LOVE it. But this was different.This was for myself.

     This week has been particularly draining on me. My husband has been working later hours, my two year old has been a terror, and my baby is teething. I am exhausted. I am worn out. I am dead on my feet. I am still losing baby weight, and I have been feeling down on myself. Basically, I was throwing myself a pity party, when my husband had had enough, and told me to call my friend, and go out and have fun. I was skeptical, but I did. I needed it. I needed to be "Courtney" for a few hours, and not "Mrs. Hall" or "Mom". It has been a really long time since I was just simply, me.

     I went out with my best friend of close to ten years. Just the two of us. She sat and listened to me go on about my kids, as I sipped my drink, and laughed about how much life has changed. I listened to her talk about her work and catch me up on all the town gossip that I never get to hear. We looked around for familiar faces, and studied new ones. Watched as kids who were once young to us, sat at the bar and downed drinks. Time had caught up to two old friends. Neither one of us were the same anymore, and that was okay. Time has a funny way of doing that, when you least expect it.

     People ask me all the time, "Why don't you ever have fun anymore?" I thought I did. I do have fun, but it is a different kind of fun. Taking my kids to the park and seeing them happy, that is fun. Playing in finger paint and creating macaroni masterpieces, that is fun to me. Loading up my mini-van (yes, mini van) and packing the family up to go to dinner, is fun to me. The days of  crowded bars, socializing and "going out" are over for me, and thank god. All that is seriously exhausting. I realized, I have EVERY single thing that I have ever wanted in this life. Every single thing. I don't need a night away from them. I don't want a night away.

      The people, the socializing and everything else that went along with that time of my life was fun to me. I can't remember a  defining event that took the fun out of it, for me. After having children, I didn't instantly get a bad taste in my mouth if someone mentioned "going out." It wasn't like finding out about the Easter bunny. I think it is more like slowly leaving Neverland. Actually, its slowly realizing that you aren't really forgetting about Neverland, you just found a better place to have fun. 

      As I sat across the table from my best, we both came to the realization that, by some weird twist of fate, we had both grown up. Our stories weren't wild anymore, we used the word "bills" in one too many sentences, and way too many of our friends are getting married. I will be 25 this year, and she will be 26. She asked me, "Where did 18 go?" I have thought of it ever since. I honestly do not know. But a girls night, now, looks a lot like sitting in a room with a film reel, and watching the past go by. It is fun to look, but you would never want to go back.

Book of Summer: What Remains: A Memoir of Fate, Love and Friendship. By Carole Radziwill

Every summer, I read a lot of books. I always have. It is just something I enjoy. I will scour every thrift shop around here for dime and dollar treasures and I take them straight home and devour them in days. I love it.

I had been looking for this book for a solid year, and then by some twist of fate I ended up paying a quarter for it at the mission. I was so excited. I first saw it on pinterest when I was nosing through some photographs of The Kennedys. Anyone that knows me, knows that I will read anything about them. I watch all the conspiracy theory shows, I have read all of Jackie's biographies, I have even read a memoir by Clint Hill, the secret service agent who watched over Jackie and her children. Needless to say, I am hooked.

The book is a memoir about Radziwill's life. A 19 year old middle class girl from New York who becomes an award winning producer and marries a Polish Prince. Anthony Radziwill was the son of Caroline Lee Bouvier Radziwill, sister to Jackie Kennedy. This made him cousin to John John (JFK JR). Radziwill is thrust into a world of American royalty as well as European nobility, while balancing her spectacular career. She became best friends with JFK JR and his beautiful wife, Carolyn Besette Kennedy. Her life seemed perfect. It was from all accounts. And then her husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer and she lost him and her two best friends within two weeks of each other. One from illness, the other in a plane crash off the coast of Martha's Vineyard.

                                            Anthony and Carole Radziwill on their wedding day.


Some of you may know Carole Radziwill (De Falco) from The Real Housewives. She was also an emmy award winning producer and journalist with ABC news before she married into one of the most famous families in the world. I guess when you marry the nephew of Jackie Onassis, all that doesn't matter. I probably would not have read the book, if I had known that. But she does a wonderful job. I read it in two days. I laughed. I cried. I thought about it weeks after I had finished it. It made me truly thankful for my health and the health of my husband and my children.

Radziwill touches on two very different types of tragedy. The type of tragedy that you know is inevitable. The kind you can plan for, try to reroute, say your goodbyes and tick things you need to do "before" off the list. She and her husband fought the cancer until the very end. “There is the disease and the person, and though I am living with both, one has robbed me of the other.”

 She also touches on the type of tragedy that takes the wind right out of your sails. The kind that is unplanned, unfathomable, and horrifying. The type of thing that is every person's worst nightmare. I, myself, can't imagine. “Afterward I tried to find something to explain what had happened—was it cloudy, were the stars out? But the night was ordinary. It usually is, I think, when your life changes. Most people aren’t doing anything special when the carefully placed pieces of their life break apart.”

                                                                  JFK JR and CBK
                                               
I am not sure which type is worse. I never want to find out. I can't say that either outweighs the other, they are just as hefty but in different ways. The book has a very melancholy feel to it. I felt sad for a few days after, but I really did enjoy reading it. The author manages to shy away from making it Kennedy centered, which I was surprised by because, of course, everyone likes to revel in the family's misfortune. She seemed to genuinely adore them and want to capture their essence. Speaking of JFK JR holding his dying cousin's hand and singing a child hood lullaby. (Brought me to tears) She also spoke of Carolyn and how she gave Anthony a framed picture of her dog to keep in his hospital room, because "[e]veryone should have a dog."  Radziwill shined light on a famously private couple and painted a beautiful tribute of them, as well as to her life with her Anthony, her husband, while speaking of her early childhood and her career and travels. All in all, a very interesting read. I could not put it down. But please, get a box of tissues, you will need them.


I have included some reviews of What Remains. It was a New York Times Bestseller and actually was not marketed as a "Kennedy" book.


"A moving testimony to the tenuous nature of love and life."
-- USA Today
 

"Stunning...Radziwill gets at the essence of what matters -- friendship, compassion, destiny."
-- Oprah Winfrey, O, the oprah Magazine

"A riveting and heartbreaking journey."
-- Jeannette Walls, author of The Glass Castle

"A stunning memoir of love and loss...Carole Radziwill is a natural storyteller."
-- O, The Oprah Magazine

"One of the best memoirs...a small masterpiece...devastating and beautifully written."
-- New York Post

"Powerfully affecting...a highly compelling read."
-- Vogue

"Bittersweet and tender."
-- The New York Times Book Review